HAPPY NEW YEAR! I have returned after a brief sojourn in the non-cyber (otherwise known as the “real”) world. Having done that, I have spent a good deal of time studying traditions and and other rituals to ensure good luck in the new year.
After distilling all of the information, I have come up with the ultimate formula for success in 2013. If you follow these procedures to the letter, you will undoubtably have a super sparkly happy lucky year. If not , you’re doomed. Just sayin’. OK, ready? Here we go:
1. On New Year’s Day, don’t shower or do any laundry. Leave on the clothes you slept in. After all, they looked so nice last night.
2. Don’t take out the garbage. In fact, find garbage from your neighborhood and bring it inside your home.
3. Begin drinking immediately. Even before you eat pork. Start with any unfinished beverages from the night before.
4. Eat pork. Ravenously. If you are Muslim or Jewish, say a pre-emptive prayer of forgiveness first, then calmly comment how it “tastes like chicken”.
5. If you smoke, stop. If you don’t smoke, begin.
6. Edit pictures from last night from your i phone. Begin with the end of the night and work backwards- Wait, you do that every day. OK, scratch 6. And if you already showered, just put last night’s clothes back on. Add a tacky sweater if you’re already collecting garbage.
7. Ignore all Hungarians. They’re crazy.
8. Look upwards on your first pee and recite the alphabet backwards while listening to 80’s music.
9. Call your Hungarian mother and apologize for number 7.
10. Kiss someone you love- and some people you don’t- and have a Happy New Year!